Doing Things Right

 

not in the business of making resolutions or doing things “right” but…
….I’ve gained about twelve pounds since Frank died and have decided those are twelve too many extra pounds to be carting around and if I have to go back on the Killer Darvon Diet I will. After my surgery the pain meds (which I took for three weeks) made me so sick I could barely eat for six months. I lost 30 pounds. I vaguely thought I was going to die — there’s a limit to how much weight one can lose and stay alive, it’s not an infinite process after all, and it didn’t look as if I were going to start eating again anytime soon, so after exhausting the painfully shallow resources of the western medical world I made my way to an acupuncturist who (fie on her) saved my life.
   Of course at that time I had no idea Frank was going to die, so I did actually want to keep living. Now, am not so sure, but of one thing I AM sure, and that living fat is not what I want. Yes, I know I’m not over my goeal weight, and yes I know that  going back to WW meetings and getting myself on a regular meditation schedule, in addition to my already in-place regimen of gym attendance, will help, but am all for the easy way out these days and not at all noble about Doing Things Right. The hell with Doing Things Right, really.
The wind is something wild today — several big branches have thumped onto the roof scaring the dogs under the bed and me into my basement studio, and I’d wander over to the beach to collect flotsam if it weren’t so cold and if my throat weren’t already giving me signs of impending doom (a cold, no less!), and if I hadn’t made a date to have dinner with a dear friend and her living-in-Florence-daughter….  I’m going to the beach. The hell with Doing Things Right. Really. Hot tea with bourbon for dinner too. What the hell.

this would be funny…

…if it didn’t so egregiously aggravate the gag reflex:

winter day, soft and grey (compressed)

 

there were songbirds in the garden yesterday. I thought I could see the shadows of their voices in the snow.  Today the gentle rains came tapping cold fingers on the windows, little rivers winding approximately downward to the icy deck. The rain had an apologetic air, as if sorry for the wind and fury of the last storm.
There was a river at the ocean too, a nice big one, one of those tidal pools lifted by the storm over the mounded wash of beach to the base of the dune, so calm and shallow and smooth I was tempted to strip down join the dogs paddling through it. They had at first tried to walk though and found to their sudden wide-eyed shock it was deeper than their little legs were long. Miss Moon, the oldest one with of course the one difficult heart, stood aghast in what appeared to be horror and had to be air lifted out, but the others soon recovered their poise and discovered winter swimming was just exactly what they had planned all along. The legal tenants of the beach, the long-billed muscular ocean-master birds flapped and swooped and voiced their protests at our intrusion, so we left them to their cold grey watery skies, hied home, and jumped into the Japanese soaking tub to warm up and shed some of the acre of sand the dogs’ coats managed to scuffle along. The sweet, powedry-almond smell of their shampoo filled the steamy room in the loveliest way. Eight towels later we were all dried and relatively dressed and ranged around the woodstove (me with my big squishy socks and hot chocolate, they with their treats), where I sat for a while trying to read “When Things Fall Apart” but wanting really only to watch the silvered, shimmering rain, and the smooth drifts of snow in the garden. I think tomorrow the songbirds will visit again, and trail their tuneful shadows like long, silken nets over the snow.

the “aww” moment of the day

thanks to Mario:

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/34572712/ns/health-pet_health/

snowy day, part two

I spent the morning and part of the afternoon digging out my little cruiser, dressed in Frank’s coat and completely inadequate gloves (having cleverly lost my big wooly mittens on an errand run last week), a feat of which I was justly proud until I made the mistake of turning around and attempting to park in the tracks left by one of my tenant’s SUVs. Stuck fast I was, and this time for good. Spent most of the afternoon digging as if I were at the gym and counting calories burned,  trying in vain to get the car to stop slewing west every time I rocked back, and only finally got it to the road in the pitch dark after my other tenant (Jose) came home (yay!) with a tow chain. The three of us trundled out in the big SUV down to the train station where Jose’s car was buried under four feet of snow and after digging for what seemed liked a few minutes (though I suspect it was longer) got it uncovered enough to tow out in just two tries — a masterful job. We then drove home and did NOT celebrate with mulled cider, since the two big hulking guys had to go to bed immediately. I could have duuuug all night… well that doesn’t make for a good song but I had a good time. I’m celebrating with one of my cranberry scones slathered in bourbon jam. The dogs don’t think much of it, but then, they don’t know anything about bourbon jam. Or tow chains. Though they do know their way around the subject of digging. Hmmm. There was my first mistake!

even though no one reads this blog:

snow day, the first without Frank…

 I got all suited up, put on Frank’s winter coat so I could feel close to him since he had done the digging so many times in our years together, put a smile on my face and coerced WookieRosie to come out with me. We dug our way out of the sliders (the snow two feet high) to the dog yard gate where I reached over the fence with the shovel to move away enough snow to open it (fortunately it was just drifted, and not packed down), squeezed through and cleared a path from the dog door to the yard so The Littles could finally get out of the house and take care of business.  WookieR. thought it was all a great lark, leaping up to catch the shovel drifts in the air – made me happy all the way through.The snow had been piled high above the top of the pet door so the only way out for them would have been to tunnel, which clearly none of them were inclined to attempt.
Once I persuaded The Littles it was indeed possible to leave the house, I took off for the front of the house. WookieRosie  again kept me company on my slog down the long walk to the end of the driveway to unmask the car, bravely forging a path ahead of us so the trudging was easy for me, looking back over her shoulder from time to time to make sure I was still in tow. Whatta dog! I saved the drifts in front of the car for after lunch: the thick vegetable curry soup and sourdough  I’d made yesterday for me, and hot home-made chicken and veggies for the dogs.
     Frank’s coat is drying by the woodstove where the logs I’ve been  collecting and piling up all fall sit in silent testimony to his passing, and to how very much about joy and work I managed to learn from him. WookieRosie is asleep, curled up on her special bed and twitching, likely dreaming of more snow.

for lack of anything more original…

…  adapted from a letter to some friends on the subject of what to do on a date, plus some of the usual NOT-to-be-taken-seriously ramblings:

 

my vote goes to dinner, but without a movie. If you go to dinner first you always have to have your eye on the clock to make the movie in time, and then you sit in silence for however many hours and then go home. A nice long dinner with a really good wine and some really good conversation (when in doubt, ask questions about her life, her likes and dislikes, her friends, favorite books, films, art, her opinions)……. well, you get my drift.
If I go to a movie with someone, I like to go see it first, then there’s lots to talk about over dinner after, but that usually means getting off work early to go to a matinee for people with regular jobs, right? Or else dinner gets to be really late.
Just some thoughts, now that I’m in the dating scene again (ugh).
   Last night I wrote to a few women I found on the dating site, but haven’t heard back yet, and haven’t had the courage to contact that young woman I found attractive, the one I met at the dinner with my lesbian friends. Or maybe I think she’s just too young. Really don’t know at this point — suspect am still not really ready for a real relationship with anyone but my dogs and friends.
       I might, on the other hand, be getting ready to either face a new chapter in my life (perhaps moving to Africa?)or die, whichever comes first. Have started reading my old journals saved from high school and letters and photographs from family and lovers from a thousand years ago that have been collecting dust up in the top of my closet. I always promised myself I would not die until I got rid of the really embarrassing stuff. Oddly, most of it no longer embarrasses me. (The reallt stupid stuff I’ve begun burning, and happily). The woodstoves are my friends now, in several ways.
Am beginning to understand why people move to warm places when they get old. This winter, the arthritis in my hands, neck, and ankles that began a few years ago as a mild annoyance has blossomed into a royal pain. Working in my very cold loft studio (not the warm pottery one downstairs), has become a challenge. Working out at the gym , however, helps a lot, as do the Warm Whiskers critters (pampered pets ) I put in the microwave and wrap around my aches, but advil and the Glucosamine, MSM, Chondoitin stuff works best.  Off to get some Glucosamine brew and restock the firewood piles.
Hope all is well with everyone.

amazing little guy!

priceless!

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